The Perilous Piccolo

Note: I was reviewing some old group messages and came across a post of someone sharing a craigslist ad for a piccolo. It made me laugh so hard, I decided to share it with you, in edited form. Hats off to the anonymous author of this clever, comedic opus!

They call the trumpet “God’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. Let’s talk about “Satan’s Instrument.” The piccolo. The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone, this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how!

Brought to you by Lucifer himself, the piccolo will serve his evil minions well. From its compact, arthritis-inducing body, this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring down entire crowds of people. If you’re thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home. This wicked whistle will do wonders of wanton destruction.

The piccolo has the ability to reach a “C” NINE LINES above the treble cleff, with a sound so crisp and clear, that if you’re not careful, may actually cleave the conductor’s brain in half. Its highest note is one that only dogs can hear. Composers have dubbed “X.” Aaron Copland used it in 1957; half the audience never fully recovered.

Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target’s neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity — leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub’s piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.

Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:

  • sudden unexpected nosebleeds
  • aphasia
  • heart palpitations
  • aneurysms
  • loss of sanity
  • inexplicable rage
  • spontaneous combustion
  • abandonment of the will to live
  • anal leakage

It’s a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on its user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.

Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average white-bread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dexterous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?


Leave a Reply